HENCH: The New App to Guide Goons to the Best Crime Boss

Have you ever wondered what Gotham City’s henchmen think about their bosses? Or how gangsters breaking into the business decide which of Gotham’s maniacs to work for? Guess what - there’s an app for that!

DC Universe is proud to present an exclusive, never-before-seen look into a Super-Villain employer review app created by henchmen, for henchmen to dish on their bosses and give up-and-coming criminal cannon fodder the guidance they need. We managed to dig up 13 reviews written by a user who will remain anonymous for their own safety, complete with star ratings, pros, and cons. Take a look here in today’s News article, and find out who you’d work for to start your own life of crime.

Make sure to leave your own henchmen reviews in the comments below!

25 Likes

I’d join with the Penguin! :grin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin::penguin:

8 Likes

I have to agree with @Reaganfan78, I would join up with the Penguin too!

4 Likes

A lot of good choices but Who wouldn’t want to join kite man. He has both Hell and Yeah

12 Likes

I love how most of them have good pay as a pro. Explains why they all have so many henchmen in the first place. Personally, if I were going into the henchman game, Clock King seems like my speed.

KILLER MOTH **

Pros

  • Low pressure. Nobody expects you not to screw up.
  • The Bats pretty much ignore you unless they’re bored or stumble into you by accident.
  • The boss is open to outside ideas.

Cons

  • Mediocre pay. You can pull off a solid convenience store robbery with a dedicated fence and safehouse, but don’t expect anything more ambitious to actually work.
  • Get ready for this job to be a running joke with all your friends for the rest of your life.
  • The boss is actually kind of desperate for outside ideas.

Great for: People looking for steady, low-risk, low-stress work.

Avoid if: You want to be taken seriously ever again.

18 Likes

Totally signing up with Red Hood! Though Falcone was a close second. I guess those Italian genes come in handy sometimes :grin:

6 Likes

Carmine won’t take me since I’m not Italian :joy:. Would have to be Penguin (for the money) or Harley (for the fun).

4 Likes

“Avoid if: You’re squeamish or you can’t get the job done”

i feel personally discriminated against

it came down to harley or red hood, and red hood’s too intense.

6 Likes

Kite Man Hell Yeah!,

or

Become a minion for the Monarch!

10 Likes

I’ll take it.

1 Like

Two-face!! because he’s a good boy and a bad boy :upside_down_face:

3 Likes

Harley! :black_heart:

2 Likes

Professor Pyg

Forget the so-called doctor hacks like Dr. Elliot or Dr. Death. Join Pyg the Napoleon of the barnyard and let your dreams come true in his topsy box!

Pros

  • Co-workers are dolls to work with.
  • Loves his work.
  • Insurance pays for all necessary medical procedures.

Cons

  • Insurance pays for all unnecessary medical procedures.
  • Too much of a perfectionist.
  • Not an accredited professor.

Great for: People looking to reinvent themselves.

Avoid if: You’re squeamish around knives.

9 Likes

Thank you all for your reception on this article! I’m so happy to see you all running with this ball. Please, keep those reviews coming, and letting us know which boss is right for you.

As a special treat, here are a couple reviews that were cut from the final edition:

CALCULATOR [3.5 stars]

Do you love gathering dirt, but hate getting your hands dirty? You want a boss with a head on his shoulders, but less of a stickler than Clock King and less insulting than the Riddler? Then you can count on Calculator.

Pros:

  • There’s a lot more recon than ‘hands on’ work. It’s about the safest gig you can get in this town
  • Batman mostly stays out of it

Cons:

  • Getting punched in the face by the Birds of Prey isn’t much better than getting punched in the face by the Batman.
  • The boss keeps delegating job planning to a machine learning AI and sometimes it gets kinda weird

Great for: The squeamish criminal, and those who’ve always secretly wanted to let a computer run their life.
Avoid if: you don’t want Huntress shoving a bolt where the sun don’t shine. Ouch.

VENTRILOQUIST [3 stars]

Okay. So you’re looking for a more classic operation, but Falcone’s too Italian and Clock King’s too much of a hardass. What’s a hench to do? Well, don’t go shopping around the smaller gangs just yet, because if you’re willing to put up with just one (1) nonsense, there’s a solid gig waiting for you with the Ventriloquist.

Pros:

  • Scarface might not be the biggest game or greatest mastermind in town, but it’s still steady work with solid pay.
  • Everyone’s gotta dress like 40’s gangsters, and it’s actually kinda great.
  • Generally a pretty normal operation, with one exception:

Cons:

  • Your boss is a puppet.

Great for: Dependable workers looking for a dependable boss, Prohibition era cosplay enthusiasts.
Avoid if: You’re not entirely sure if Scarface really is possessed or if Wesker is just nuts, but either way, that doll creeps you out.

(And yes, @TravisMorgan: I’ll exclusively admit here to basically every pitch I write being at least partially inspired by The Venture Bros.)

16 Likes

Hahahaha~!! I love this so much. Thank you @HubCityQuestion

2 Likes

Well @HubCityQuestion the Venture Brothers are inspired by Jonny Quest and are broadcast by Cartoon Network on Adult Swim and Cartoon Network is owned by Turner Broadcasting which was acquired by Warner Brothers which owns DC Comics so they are canon if…

you connect all the dots. Not that that’s a conspiracy or anything.

6 Likes

I remember reading a story about 4-5 years ago published by DC’s biggest competitor that featured an app called “Hench.” It was written by Nick Spencer, who also, at one time, wrote an amazing Jimmy Olsen story for DC.

Sorry if that makes me a spoilsport - that was not my intention, but I wanted to make sure credit is given where credit is due.

Please, carry on with the fun.

3 Likes

Definitely a coincidence - I had never heard of that comic before writing this.

1 Like

Great article. I would have to go with either Calendar Man or Clock King. Harley and Kite Man sounds the most fun to work for.

1 Like

Well, their comic wasn’t really called “Hench”, but the app in their story had that exact name. It was a comic starring a character you have definitely heard of - he’s even had a movie or two in the MCU. I am just withholding the name because I want to minimize how much I am talking about their characters - I want to respect that this is the land of DC Comics and DC Comics characters.

I absolutely believe you, though, about it being coincidental. Having been a comic reader for 40 years or so, I can’t tell you how many ideas I have had that ended up being coincidentally used by writers in comics later on, and the duplication of ideas HAD to be coincidental. We are all in the same head-space, so of course it happens on occasion.

2 Likes